So I was searching for something. Something important. And I had this partner, who was helping me find said thing. And there were also bad guys who were trying to find it before us. And also trying to kill us. And that was a crapload of sentences in a row beginning with the word 'and.' And that second to last "sentence" beginning with 'and' isn't actually a sentence, but I'm sure you know what I meant.

Anyway, I think I probably killed a few of them as we were searching. I don't remember much detail from the actual search, but I just feel that this was the case. I don't know how I killed them, since I don't recall having any weapons, but I still think I did.

Eventually, we found this small room with this computer, see, and said computer apparently had something to do with, or was, in actuality, what we were trying to find because my partner in the search immediately sat down and started furiously fiddling with the computer. I think there were two things that we had to do with the computer, and right after we completed the first, the door started to open, as the bad guys had found us. Fortunately, I was able to use my strength to force the door shut again and lock it. The lock was actually just one of those crappy twist button things that you find on doorknobs, but apparently it was a really good one, since they were unable to break through the door. After accomplishing this, I climbed to the top of the door and opened a tiny (like 3" high and 10" wide) window to use in taunting the bad guys, since my partner was working on the computer, and I had nothing better to do. I stuck my hand out briefly and gave them the finger, then threw a swingline stapler (rather like Milton's special stapler in Office Space except black instead of red) through the window, which elicited a rather annoyed "OWWW!!!" from one of the villains on the other side of the door. They threw a wristwatch back at me, which I thought was amusing. Needless to say, I threw it back. At this point, the window started to do weird things. It replicated into three identical windows and each started expanding until they were a couple feet tall and a couple feet wide. The villains began to try to make it through these windows, so I punched and kicked them until they fell down. Then they would try again. At one point, a female bad person tried to stab me with a two foot long needle but missed and got it stuck in the window frame. Around this point some sort of rope/harness/vine/thing grew from the ceiling, and I attached myself to it. I would swing out from the wall and slam my feet into anyone trying to get through the windows. Soon, several villains at a time would be trying to get through the windows, so I retrieved the needle from where it was stuck. I found that I rather enjoyed sticking one bad guy with the needle while I landed full force on another's chest. They rather did not enjoy this, I assure you. After I did this for a while, my alarm rang, waking me up, which was too bad because I kinda wanted to know what the hell I was looking for, anyway, but oh well.

Interpretations of this dream, or anything but spam, really, will be welcomed here. Have a swell day.

First detected in 1996, B1K, as he was then known, was impersonating a high school student. At that point, his story telling skills had yet to be perfected, as his tales of lunchmeat bombs, mysterious radio studios, and his 'naked' next door neighbor were met with snickers and guffaws instead of the intended wasting illnesses.

Not to be deterred, B1K sought a software update, received in the form of a 2.5" floppy diskette inserted orally and consumed theatrically, replete with smacking gums and silly grins. After the update, he was known as B2K or BTwoK. Authorities were dismayed to learn of these developments because as B1K, the robot had a finite lifespan, likely to terminate in the wee hours of 2000 (or 2001 (they weren't quite sure which)), but with the software update, B2K would remain in operation well past that date and had also received important security updates, aimed at keeping him hidden from the law indefinitely. After graduating at the head of his class in 1998, B2K disappeared, until his dramatic capture in 2005.

Authorities were drawn to the Acme College of Nefarious Arts and Sciences early in 2004, when local literary magazines received sporadic works of fiction from an anonymous writer that included many themes associated with B1K's stories of the mid-90s. Dungeons and Dragons also received a series of ridiculous adventures that were anonymously submitted by someone at ACNAS.

This set authorities upon a trail that lead through Anytown. They knew of B2K's affinity for recently dropped foodstuffs and devised a plan of capture. Agents circulated through campus posing as hungry students. They munched upon potato chips, occasionally dropping a chip with a flourish, to be sure that it would be observed. They knew that B2K would not be able to resist these freshly dropped chips and would reveal himself. Sure enough, after only 3 hours, a student retrieved a dropped chip and ate it, after the agent assured him that he didn't want it anymore. B2K's reign was, at long last, over.

"We're predicting 2 to 3 inches of snow for the entire viewing area, with 4-6 in the mountains and up to two and a half feet in the general region around your car."

Finally, there is a place for you.

Great Tits offers family dining in a casual atmosphere that features a decidedly avian décor. Come for the extensive menu; stay for our vivid bird displays, featuring a wide selection of photography, taxidermy, and film. Go ahead: ogle our boobies! Fondle our tits! Make sure you don’t leave before showing your kids our extensive video footage of exotic shags!

Don't settle for Hooters when what you want is Great Tits!

OK. I came home for the holiday season. Not especially unusual in and of itself. I booked a ticket through Travelocity and flew on United Airlines from PDX to SFO, the caught an USAirways flight from SFO to PIT (notice my 'clever' usage of the cryptic airport codes....oooooooooo). Trying to get from the United section of SFO to the USAir section was an adventure of its own. I tried walking, but that didn't work out very well. I had to catch a flight at gate 1. Unfortunately, this was way the hell on the other side of the airport and would have taken me through some sort of construction zone or something. That wasn't really a problem, but I would have had to leave the secured area of the airport and go through security again when I got near the new gate. I had plenty of time, but decided to locate the mysterious secret bus that would whisk me to the other side of the terminal; without having to go through security again. On the way, I got to go through several doors that were clearly marked in red letters advertising that they were for

Authorized Personnel Only

No one hassled me, so I guess I must fit the aforementioned criterion. Eventually, the bus deposited me near the right gate. I still had a lot of time, so I wandered around this rather dull part of SFO and made some calls. After all that was done, I headed back to the correct gate, found an unoccupied seat, and recommenced my reading of Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates. (BTW--a fantastic book. very entertaining) After a few pages, some lady sat down right next to me, and I detected an odor rather unpleasantly like rancid salami. I figured maybe someone's lunch was catching up to them and hoped it would go away soon. It didn't. After a while, I was pretty sure that it was emanating directly from said lady. I comforted myself with the thought that I, surely, wouldn't be sitting by her on the plane. When boarding time came, she scurried to the line when they called for preboarding. You know, when fierce invalids and first class get to board. I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking that I would never have to breathe that particular combination of pure nastiness again. At this point, I will just cut to the chase, since I'm sure you know what happened next. Sure enough, that bitch had no handicap, other than that foul odor, and was firmly planted in seat 7C by the time I found my seat, 7B. Motherfucker. Four more hours of spoiled lunchmeat. She needs to figure out that you're supposed to process the animal fat before you use it as soap.

The Incredible Shrinking Cameraman

(aka blowup surfer babe)

Take a good look at this AP photo. The original can be found here if you think that I may have doctored it. None, some, and/or all of you may have heard about the white Christmas down in south Texas. It seems that somebody decided to catch a few drifts on her surfboard. Seems reasonable enough. She even brought her kid along. OK, now I want you to look closer at said 'kid.' There is obviously something wrong with this photograph. The 'kid' is not much more than two feet tall, if that, when compared to the woman. And, he appears to be wearing blue jeans and a leather jacket and may or may not be carrying a rather sophisticated looking camera. He is also in a very unchildlike pose, and if the picture were real, is staring directly at the woman's ass. Whoever submitted this to the AP must be laughing his/her ass off. For a variety of reasons, especially if they know that it made it into Yahoo's top ten most popular photos. I can think of a few more amusing things about this photo, but I'm sure you can, as well.

Tactical Parking Maneuver

A friend, henceforth referred to as Djim, observed this at approximately 8:00 PM on Tuesday, December 27, 2004 near the intersection of Philadelphia and 7th Streets. I was within sight of said maneuver, but failed to catch a glimpse, being preoccupied with parallel parking at the time. A vehicle was observed moving westbound on Philadelphia Street. Said vehicle suddenly revved its engine, and performed a precise 180 degree turn, replete with squealing tires, and resumed travel in an eastward direction. Not quite done for the evening, the car parallel parked so fast you would have missed it had you blinked. Needless to say, Djim was impressed.

PS--Happy New Year

It's been a little while since anyone's done anything on the site, so I've come up with a few amusing anecdotes to share with the CNF horde. Basically, these are things that I've seen or heard that made me laugh, and I hope you'll laugh as well. If things go well, I'll keep adding new installments to The Funnies as I hear about or see more funny and/or crazy things. If you think you have something that could be mentioned in The Funnies, send it to me with the subject line "The Funnies" and maybe I'll include it sometime. Please stick to factual accounts. It's ok to enhance it here and there to make it more interesting, but it had damn well better be based upon a real event. I reserve the right to edit or whatever any story as I see fit. Also, let me know if you want credit for the story in the form of a pseudonym, email address, or web page, or would like to remain anonymous.

Here we go.

A lot of you know that I'm a juggler/unicycler/[insert odd hobby here]er. I've found a juggling club up here in Portland to help continue the development of these crazy habits. Each week, I go and throw lots of things around, sometimes while balancing on top of a wheel. One week, some kids brought some unusual props...Well, mostly, they just brought a bed of nails. Throughout the juggling session, people glanced at the bed of nails with interest and towards the end of the club, a large crowd gathered at a discreet distance from the bed as "The Twins" started to get ready. The smaller 'twin' proceeded to lay down on the bed of nails and stayed there as video cameras were placed at various angles. Twin2 proceeded to ride his unicycle at breakneck speed toward twin1 and jumped right over him and said bed of nails. Twin2 helped twin1 to his feet and they bowed to the cameras. They then proceeded to do the stunt about 10 more times, each time with different camera angles. Incredibly, nothing went wrong. I only wish that I had asked them to try out the bed myself. Then I could style myself as Zedd, the incredible nail-bed tester. Oh well, maybe some other time.

Crazed Wheelchairs of Death

My girlfriend, who shall henceforth be referred to as Ginger, works as a security guard at a small college in northern California. Sometimes, she works the graveyard shift, from 11PM until 7AM. It's pretty brutal, but sometimes it is worth it. For instance, one night, Ginger was about to go lock all the doors on campus when she saw a lone student riding a wheelchair around the parking lot. Not thinking that this was too unusual, she proceeded to make her rounds of campus. When she returned to the security hut, she was astounded to see this student racing across the parking lot at a rather high rate of speed. How was he going this fast, you ask? Did he have arms of steel? No, but he did have a death grip on the bumper of his pal's truck, which can pull a wheelchair with absolutely no problem, I assure you. After nearly hyperventilating with laughter, Ginger approached these students. Surprisingly, they appeared to be sober. They didn't see why they shouldn't engage in such activities, but they left the parking lot without incident. Come on guys, what the hell?

about the premed student who was in her bio class and got rather humiliated during a discussion about the taste of semen? "But it doesn't taste sweet," she said. "Your taste buds for sweet are on the tip of your tongue not the back of your mouth," he replied etc. I could have posted it, but I didn't feel like going through 210 old forwards to find it.

Anyway, Ginger (remember Ginger?) got to witness a similar event during her anatomy class. A student raised her hand and asked (I paraphrase) "If someone has a lot of anal sex, but exercises her kegel muscles regularly, will it prevent her from becoming incontinent due to all the anal action?" I wish I could tell you the professor's response, but Ginger was too busy rolling on the floor to listen very carefully.

Well, that's all for now. Hopefully, I will have some material for a new installment of The Funnies before too long. Ciao.

--These are courses that I have played and would definitely recommend that you visit if you are in the area. They are very scenic, in good shape, and/or challenging. They are in no particular order, because it is hard to rank the top courses once you've been to so many.

IUP College Lodge--Indiana, PA--This is my home course, and as such, it will go first. I love this course. It it one of the top courses I've played and is certainly the top course in western Pennsylvania. It is in a park that used to serve as a ski slope, so there is plenty of elevation change, especially on the last hole, which is 722 feet long and has a couple hundred feet of elevation change. In the fall, the leaves are amazing. The course has 18 holes and will eventually have two pin placements and three tees on each hole.

Knob Hill Park--Warrendale, PA--Before the installation of College Lodge, Knob Hill was the undisputed king in Western PA. Now that more people have played at the Lodge, it is losing some of its followers. But, Knob Hill is still an excellent course. It is in a beautiful park and has a lot of elevation change, requiring a variety of shots. There are 18 holes, with several different pin placements and 3 sets of tees, one being concrete.

Schenley Park--Pittsburgh, PA--Schenley Park has been around the block. It is a well maintained, challenging course, but the baskets are in pretty bad shape in places. It is in a city park, so this is to be expected, but that's a shame. Most of the course is fairly wooded and there is a good bit of elevation change. The park has a nice view of Pittsburgh. There are multiple tees for every hole, and some holes have multiple pin placements. Schenley is another 18 holer.

DeLaveaga Park--Santa Cruz, CA--27 holes. This is an awesome course in California. The scenery is amazing and the 27 holes will challenge even seasoned players. Hole 27 is spectacular with the tee being at the top of a small cliff looking down at the basket.

Cottonmill DGC--Kearney, NB--18 holes. This is a well groomed course with challenging and interesting holes. I never did find hole 10, but it was still worth the stop. If you find yourself driving through Nebraska, for any reason, make Cottonmill DGC one of your break points.

Low Gap Park--Ukiah, CA
--18 holes. A beautiful 18 hole course with many great views and challenging holes. Apparently, it is mountain lion country, but I didn't see any while I was there. Definitely put this on your list of courses to visit if at all possible.

Seneca Creek State Park--Gaithersburg, MD
--18 holes. Seneca Creek is a pay to play course ($2), but it's worth it. Many of the holes involve extreme elevation changes or very narrow flight lanes. Check it out if you get the chance.

Humboldt State University--Arcata, CA--18 holes. Most of the holes have tonepoles (they make a loud clank when you hit them), but there are a few baskets. This is the only course that I've played that has them. Eventually, they will probably be all baskets, but the poles work just fine. This is one of the most beautiful settings that I have seen for a disc golf course, as it is in a redwood forest. The second tee is actually on top of an ancient stump, pretty cool! I would recommend going with a local your first time because many of the signs are missing and you might not know where to go anyway. Definitely a great place to throw!

Edora Park--Fort Collins, CO--18 holes. Edora Park is very well maintained and has many other facilities available, including a skate park, which provides entertainment if your round isn't going so well. Watch out for the water on a few of the holes. Overall, it is a very nice course with a variety of shots. It uses the available elevation changes well.

Lover's Lane Park--Bowling Green, KY--18 holes. Situated in a well maintained park will very gently rolling hills. Once the trees grow more, it will be a very nice course.

Cedar Hill Park--Nashville, TN--18 holes. This is a nice course with generally well maintained and delineated fairways. The layout makes the course quite challenging and multiple pin placements and tees can change the difficulty significantly.

Tom Pearce Park--Grants Pass, OR--18 holes. A couple miles from exit 55 on I-5. Near the Rogue River, which could come into play on a couple holes but isn't really much of a factor. This is a well laid out course with homemade baskets. I should have taken a picture, as they are really rather interesting. Structures relating to an old dam are integral to a few holes. Check it out if you're in the area.

Northern Arizona University DGC--Flagstaff, AZ--18 holes. Parking is a bitch (the meters are expensive and you can only fill it for 45 minutes at a time). Other than that, it's a very nice course that is both challenging and scenic. Most of it winds through Ponderosa Pines and there is a good mix of short and long holes.

Dabney State Park--Portland, OR--18 holes. Dabney is a very nice course with many distinct and challenging holes. Watch out on the latter half of the back 9 as going left might put you at the bottom of a rather steep hill, or minus a disc. It is worth the $3 entry fee, but I bought an annual pass ($25) since there are several parks in the area that it is good at.

Rooster Rock--Columbia Gorge, OR--Two 9 hole courses. Rooster Rock has a course on the east side and a course on the west side. I didn't like the west course that much, mostly because the map provided at the ranger station sucked. The course itself wasn't that bad, once you figured out where the holes go. Watch out for the blackberries, though. It sucks to be able to see your disc, knowing it's gonna hurt like hell to get it back. As for the east course, it's quite nice. The first tee can be found at the very eastern edge of the parking lot, just south of the (un)dressing room for the nude beach. The first basket is due east, tucked back about 50 feet along the path above the sandy patch by the woods. Most of the tee pads can be found pretty easily but after the third hole, go up the hill, make a left, then make the first right (I think) to find the fourth hole, which is maybe 150 feet long and 200 feet down. There were sticks laying on the ground forming arrows that guided me to this tee. You can find a map here if you need one. This course is much more challenging, and I'd recommend searching for the baskets before you throw. This is another of the $3 courses that the annual pass is good at.

Pier Park--Portland, OR--18 holes. A lot of this course's difficulty stems from the sheer number of trees on some of the holes. There is usually a pretty tight window that you have to squeeze through to make par. If you miss the window by much or have a bad kick, forget about it.

Timber Park--Estacada, OR--18 holes. Timber Park is a nice, relatively flat course, but it does have some elevation change. The length, setup, and trees make this course challenging. Don't bother looking at the map online because, last I checked, it was for the previous layout. Park in the lot by the soccer fields, go over the bridge, and look to 2 or 3 o'clock for the first tee (most tees have a white bucket with the number on it).

Milo McIver State Park--Estacada, OR--27 holes. They just redid this course, and it is sick. Many of the holes aren't completely done, but there is at least one tee pad and pin position at every hole. The course is well over 2 miles from the pro tees with one hole being over 1100 feet long (850 amateur)!!! There are some super-tight short holes and some long, wide open holes. As I said, the course is very long, so make sure you have enough time to finish it. To find the first tee, make a left at the stop sign and another left after that. It is near the side of the parking lot. If you go straight to the other lot, you will have to walk the whole way across the course to get to the first tee. This is another park where the annual state parks pass works, otherwise, it's $3/day.

Richmond Hill--Asheville, NC--18 holes. This course is heavily wooded and, as the name might suggest, incorporates elevation changes into the layout. A couple of the holes are across ravines and can be pretty darn nasty if you don't make it across. This is a pretty good course, overall.

Burke Lake Park--Fairfax Station, VA--18 holes. This course is relatively short and heavily wooded, but is not bad, overall. There is some elevation change, and the holes require a variety of shots. The park charges an admission fee of $6 to non-residents on weekends in the summer, so try to go on a weekday if you're there between mid April and October.

--These are courses that have something about them that disqualifies them from being among The Best. Either they're too easy, have too little variation, aren't well-maintained, or maybe I was just in a bad mood or the weather was crappy when I played them. Also, you will notice that there are no 9-hole courses among 'The Best.' They are in a loose order, with courses that I liked more being towards the top and courses that I didn't like as much being near the bottom. Keep in mind that there are few courses that I really dislike and that I have only played many of these courses once or twice. Also, the system is completely arbitrary. You will know if I really disliked a course. I would recommend many of these courses if you don't really have to go out of your way to play them. As for the courses at the end, I'd say check here to see if there's another course nearby to try before playing them. Feel free to write me with your own comments about courses on this list, and maybe I'll work some of them into my descriptions.

Champoeg State Park--Newburg, OR--15 holes. The PDGA site and others say it has 12 holes. I assure you that there are 15. They must have redone the course since then. It is quite flat with a lot of mature oak trees that add challenge to the course. $3 fee/day or $25/year. The Oregon State Parks Pass works here.

Pueblo City Park--Pueblo, CO--18 holes. A good course with a variety of holes and a reasonable number of mature trees.

Golden Gate Park DG Course--San Francisco, CA--12 holes. This course gets major props for location. It is in a nice wooded area with many large eucalyptus trees so it makes for a nice setting. Don't bother with holes 10-12 as they are flat and boring. The only problem with the course is that they are watering the area a lot of the time with these large sprinklers, so you might get a little wet.

Mad River Pump Station #4--Valley West, CA--9 holes. This course was remodelled and reopened recently. I have heard that it is much cooler than it once was. If the HSU course is closed and Cooper Gulch is a mess, go here for a very pleasant round (or 3).

Cooper Gulch--Eureka, CA--9 holes. Very nice for a short 9 hole course. Definitely on the easy side, but the variety of holes make it interesting. Watch out when it's wet, as a couple holes turn into bogs of nastiness.

Calvert Road Park--College Park, MD--18 holes. Calvert Road Park is a relatively short course that stresses the fundamentals of frisbee golf. There is little elevation change, but mandatory trees make sure you have to use a variety of shots during your round. You won't be blown away by this course, but it is pretty solid. Watch out for the stream on hole 17 because it's right behind the basket, and it took me a while to find my disc in there.

West Park--Joliet, IL--24 holes. The oldest course in Illinois is a winner. It has many unique holes and is definitely a challenge. The park tucked back in an out of the way neighborhood but it gets a lot of use. Check it out if you have the chance.

Westover Park--Harrisonburg, VA--18 holes. A pretty good course for being so new. It will get better as they add signs and tee pads, but as the pine trees grow, some of the fairways could very well disappear entirely, making the course unplayable.

Bluemont Park--Arlington, VA--9 holes. I didn't like this course that much the first time I played it, but after playing it a few times, I figured out why it's a pretty good course. There may be only 9 holes, but there are three sets of tees that totally change the course, so it's like three 9-hole courses in one. There are also multiple pin placements, so the course is different every time you play.

Admiral Farragut Park--Knoxville, TN--9 holes. If this course had 18 holes, it would be among The Best. It's got a nice variety of holes, is definitely in good shape, and the surroundings are beautiful. The only problem, besides being only 9 holes, is that it's a little short.

Rockwood Park--Portland, OR--9 holes. It is a well kept 9 hole course in a relatively small city park. The local drunks hang out there, but they don't tend to bother anyone and even provide a cheering gallery if they're drunk enough/in the mood. There is an established safari-back-9, so it is, in effect, an 18 hole course if there aren't too many people around.

French Creek State Park--Birdsboro, PA--36 holes. Keep in mind that it was raining cats and dogs for most of the round. We only played one of the courses. I think it was the old course. It seems like a decent course, but some of the holes were a little wacky.

Sherando Park--Stephens City, VA--19 holes. It was really windy up on top of the hill at this course. There is a significant rough (tall grass) that isn't really necessary in places and just serves to eat discs. The holes themselves are varied and some are quite interesting.

Lucchesi Park--Petaluma, CA--9 holes. Apparently, they have a back 9 that uses the same baskets from different tees. Go into the building before you play to get a map. The geese can be a bit of a nuisance but other than that, it's a nice little 9 hole course.

Monroeville Park--Monroeville, PA--9 holes. I've heard that there are plans to put in another 9 holes here, which would be great. As it is, the course has some good points and some bad points. One bad thing is that there are some serious brambles that are good at eating discs. Overall, it's worth a round every once in a while.

Getty Heights Park--Indiana, PA--9 holes. If you're in Indiana, make sure that you play at IUP College Lodge. Getty Heights is a short, relatively flat course that is perfect for beginners. There are two sets of tees, giving the course a bit of variety, but it just doesn't compare to the Lodge.

Benson State Park--Corbett, OR--9 holes. This is a dinky little course in a dinky little state park. But the scenery is nice. If you look to the south, you can see the very top of Wahkeena Falls, and one exit over is Multnomah Falls. These are definitely worth seeing. It is $3 to enter the park and play the course, but that receipt is also good at Rooster Rock(and any other Oregon State Park) for the same day, so hit those courses up as well.

Cornwallis Road Park--Durham, NC--18 holes. This course is very short and, for the most part, very wooded. Check it out if you're in the area.

Pohick Bay Regional Park--Lorton, VA--18 holes. $2 park fee. This course is relatively wooded and has a good variety of holes. Some of the holes don't really have a realistic "birdie-lane," if you understand what I mean. It's worth shelling out the two bucks to play once and decide if you like it.

Clarkco State Park--Quitman, MS--9 holes. The AAA Camp Book helped us to stumble upon this little course. We were heading from Austin, TX back to PA and needed a place to stop for the night. Low and behold, this small state park has a disc golf course. The primitive camping sites are very nice, with a soft bed of pine needles on the ground. If you like to drink when you camp, pack in your own alcohol because it's a dry county. In the morning, be sure to hit up the frisbee golf course. It's short, tight, and a little weird, but who said there's anything wrong with that? If you aren't camping, keep in mind that there's a day-use fee to get into the park.

Portland Lunchtime Disc Golf Course--Portland, OR--12 holes. This course is nestled around the Greater Portland Bible Church. If the grass had been better mowed and it had been a nicer day, it would probably be higher up. As it is, the course has some fairly long holes and some really short holes. And some medium holes. So basically, it has some hills and some trees, just like most other decent courses. And 12 holes, unlike most others.

Valley View Park--Altoona, PA--9 holes. The PDGA directory says it has signs now, so that clears up some of the problems, if it's true. This course can be extremely muddy at times, and I'd have to disagree with whomever thought it was a good idea to put in double-dog legs on some of the holes. Hole nine is very nice, though. If you're in Altoona and jonesing for some disc golf, check it out.

Tyrell Park--Beaumont, TX--18 holes. This course is pretty flat and relatively swampy. Bring your bug spray as there are many, many mosquitoes.

Crookston Disc Golf Course--Fletcher, NC--9 holes. This course is generally long and open. If you like being able to launch drive after drive, this is your course. When I was there, the grass was WAY too long and we had to look for one of my discs for quite some time before finding it.

Boltz Jr. High School--Fort Collins, CO--9 holes. Short, flat course with a nasty stream running through it. Having a map would be helpful so you can find the holes without problem.

Phillips Park--Pittsburgh, PA--9 holes. This course is relatively wooded and on a constant, fairly steep slope. You'd think that a course at a high school would be relatively free of broken glass and debris. Think again. Some of the baskets are squirrelly.

--Whew, that's quite a few courses. 44 to be exact. I also played a course in Minneapolis/St. Paul, but don't remember its name and have played the first three holes of a course under construction in State College, PA. So we'll say that I've played 45 courses. Not bad. As of the time of publication, the PDGA course directory lists 1421 courses in the United States. That means I've played 3.17% of the listed courses in the US; that's about one out of every 30 courses. I have played disc golf in 15 states. I need to play more!

But some wacky goofballs can't or won't speak English, insisting rather on decorating their material goods with the nonsensical gibberings of whatever crazy cuckoo land they come from. When they do, and when these items find their way into the hands of our American Master Race, the results are often entertaining.

A relative of mine works at a largish university. A short time ago she brought me home a "present" -- one she probably ought not to have removed from the office -- and I think it is about the coolest thing ever so I figured I should share it. Identifying information has been concealed (identifying information in English anyway).

This is an envelope that contained someone's letter of recommendation. Pretty wild, huh? If anyone is smart enough to read Japanese, or watches a lot of anime and can fake it, I'd love to get a translation. Here are some closeups:

The return address. It's so nice to hear something other than "Stupid American" these days.

The school mascot (I guess). Smart American English School -- home of the Fighting Space Monkeys. Go Space Monkeys! Also don't forget the Li'l Space Monkeys and Lady Space Monkeys.

Oh, come on. What was your school's lame old mascot?

But there's more!

The bottle opener below was found in the bottom of a bag that, according to legend, was used by my grandfather to smuggle liquor into hotel rooms in his travelling days.

I took German in high school but I don't remember any of it. Luckily in this day and age computers speak foreign languages and they do a damn good job of it. Here is the all-powerful Google's translation of the apparently pretty strange text on my bottle opener:

Front: "A Königin (I am pretty sure that means "king") under the beers."

Hmm, well, that doesn't really make much sense...

Back: In case you can't make out all the text, in German the back says "Das Warsteiner Freundschaftspiel -- Mit diesem öffner können Sie die RUNDE DER WAHRHEIT "ausdrehen" - Der Pfeil zeigt auf den freundlichen Spender"

Or in English: "With this opener you can "turn" the round off of the truth - the arrow points to the friendly donor." Google won't translate "Das Warsteiner Freundschaftspiel" (try it yourself!) but I am fairly confident it means "The Warsteiner Friendship Speech."

So I think we are saying that removing the lid from a beer bottle provides access to the truth, i.e. beer? If your German is better than mine and Google's feel free to let me know what's up because, I mean, wow. Those are some pretty serious claims.

Also, if you've ever had Warsteiner beer, or better yet want to give me some, you really ought to share your findings.

What is the Loséra difference?

	"A friend of mine invited me to some party he's having next weekend. There'll probably be girls there, we might get to talking, and after that, who knows?"
	"I just started a new job, and at the orientation session they made sure to review the office dating policy. I bet people hook up there all the time! This is going to be great!"
	"Sure, she says she wants to be friends, but if I keep hanging out with her, doing things for her, being a good listener, it's only a matter of time and then -- heyyy!!"

There are lots of pills on the market that promise to treat male sexual dysfunction, but even the most effective only give you a three day window of opportunity. How can a pharmaceutical company in some other state or a researcher you've never met tell you how to live your life? Loséra gives you the ability to act when the time is right for you.

"Of course I'm confident. These things happen when the time is right, and when that happens, I have Loséra. No need to rush things for me!"

Unlike other ED medications, a single dose of Loséra gives you a full six months to choose the right time for you. You can take Loséra now, and when the opportunity eventually presents itself, you'll be ready. Three days? One day? A few hours? If pharmaceutical companies think they can hold you to some unrealistic target, they have another thing coming, because Loséra is here. Loséra is made with your real life in mind. You can't predict what will happen in three days, but with Loséra's six month strength, you have a pretty good chance.

Loséra: Because hey, who knows?

Consult your doctor before using Loséra. Loséra may cause side effects such as dizziness, headache, and unwanted body odor. Erections lasting longer than two weeks are obviously pretty goddamned serious. Loséra will not necessarily make girls want to talk to you.

The 2004 election is shaping up to be every bit as close, and the stakes are higher than ever before. In a tight race like this one, every vote counts. To defeat the incumbent, Democrat John Kerry will need broad support from the liberal base. For this reason, we ask you to join our campaign to discourage George W. Bush from running for President in 2004.

Bush has had a noteworthy career in business and public service, and fully deserves the reputation he has gained. But a run for president in the current political climate could have disastrous consequences for the nation and for Bush's personal legacy. Every vote cast for George W. Bush is a vote taken away from Kerry and, in essence, "given" to the incumbent. That's something we can hardly afford this year.

Look at the 2000 General Election Results. In every state where Bush received at least 51% of the popular vote in the last election, the state's electoral votes went to the Republican candidate instead of Democrat Al Gore (source: Federal Election Commission). Similar results in 2004 could easily cost John Kerry the presidency. But if Bush had not been on the ballot in 2000, and the majority of Bush voters had instead supported the Democratic candidate, Gore would have come through with a commanding lead.

You've probably seen the famous "Red and Blue States" map showing which states were won by each of the leading candidates in 2000, with Democratic states shown in blue and Republican ones in red. Now look at this map. It's a mathematical projection of how the race might have ended if George W. Bush hadn't participated. As you can plainly see, without Bush on the ballot Al Gore could have easily won a significantly greater number of electoral votes.

Now, we don't know why Bush is planning to enter the race this year. Maybe he fails to understand the gravity of the situation before us. Maybe his past accomplishments have given him a distorted view of his own suitability for the job. Perhaps he just received bad advice. What we do know is that in 2004 the Green Party has refused to endorse Bush, as have many celebrities active in the 2000 campaign, including film maker Michael Moore, Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder, and actress Susan Sarandon. So who is supporting Bush this year, anyway?

It's one of the worst-kept secrets of this political season that George W. Bush's campaign is being bankrolled and supported in large part by Republican front groups who recognize that Bush's presence on the ballot will only hurt Kerry's chances and thus help the incumbent. These "supporters" have been leading the effort to get W. on the ballot in as many states as possible, despite the absence of Green Party backing. This kind of behavior isn't illegal, but it's frankly distasteful and we can't figure out for the life of us why so many of the 2000 Bush backers don't realize they're only helping out the Republicans if they vote Bush again this year.

We at "W Don't Run" are aware that John Kerry might not have been the first choice for some progressive voters, but a vote for George W. Bush will only help the Republican candidate win in important swing states. If you support Bush's positions on the issues, support Kerry in defeating the incumbent so that we can all work together to improve our country. Whatever your feelings about Bush and Kerry, we can all agree that the first priority needs to be getting the current president out of the White House. Contact George W. Bush through his campaign website and send him a message loud and clear: for the good of our country, W, Don't Run!

Here is my Donnie Darko buddy icon.

Nutella buddy icon.

Over 18 buddy icon.

I made this one just for the hell of it.

Heavy metal buddy icon.

No friends buddy icon.

Say no to cyber sex buddy icon.

If you are actually going to use any of these buddy icons, please let me know as it would certainly make my day.

Enjoy!!!

Boston

When he got to DC, we headed for Boston shortly thereafter. Unfortunately, I-95 also blew up around that time so we had to come up with a detour. We settled upon Route 15. This was a great decision. Route 15 is a very scenic road with all kinds of neat bridges and stone walls and stuff. Much better than I-95. I recommend it highly.

Eventually, we got to Boston. Before the show, we went to get some food (and beer) at the Boston Beer Works. I got the spicy chicken sandwich, which was extremely tasty. If I remember correctly, I had a Boston Red ale, a Beantown Brown ale, some sort of stout, and a cask conditioned nut Brown ale. I probably had a few others, even. All were good. While we were sitting at the bar, I overheard the lady sitting next to us talking about Liz Phair. Soon thereafter, I heard that she might have some extra tickets. At this point, I felt the need to say 'hi' and tell her that we too were going to the show and needed a pair of tickets. A few pleasantries were exchanged, and we continued drinking. The Dowist and I were saddened to see her get up and leave without offering to sell us the extra tickets. As we wallowed in our beers, a hand materialized betwixt us with a pair of tickets. After a quick round of bargaining, we got the pair for $30 (face value $40.50). Not a bad deal. I think we got another round and then headed off, late, for the show. There were two opening acts, so we didn't really want to get there on time.

The Show

We arrived at the Avalon and headed inside. It is a relatively small venue with a slightly sunken area in front of the stage. We found spots near the center of the stage probably 50 or so feet back. We got there just as the second opening act was starting. It was a band called Wheat. They are from 'near Boston.' Anyway, if you happen to notice a Wheat show in your area, check them out. They play some cool tunes. After a reasonable pause, Liz came out wearing a black ACDC shirt and jeans. She opened up with Flower and played a very good show, with Mesmerizing and Fuck and Run as the encores. After the show, Liz came back out and signed autographs for a while. The Dowist got his ticket stub signed, but my attempts to get my shirt from the Austin City Limits Festival signed were unsuccessful. After the show, we went out and walked around for a while, trying to find somewhere to get a drink until our hostess got back from New York. We couldn't find anywhere around the Avalon, so we headed to the Prudential Center, where her bus was going to drop her off. We ended up at the Pour House for a nice tall Sam Adams. Yum. We hung around in Boston all the next day. Ate lunch at Pizzeria Regina. Yum. The Dowist wasted no time for dessert, heading right for Mike's Pastry. Unfortunately, I was so stuffed from lunch that I only had an apricot finger and a little bit of an apple twist. The bastard just wouldn't wait an hour. We also visited Faneuil Hall. Finally, we grabbed a beer at Cheers. We capped the day off with an evening of wine and cheese and stuff.

Philly

I met the Dowist in Philadelphia on the afternoon of the show. We went to a happy hour in town and then headed up to the Electric Factory. The security guard actually checked inside my Altoids tin on the way in. Craziness!!! Once again, we arrived just in time to catch Wheat. I was amused by the lead singer's rather dark 5 o'clock shadow despite his blond hair. I don't know the names of any of their songs or anything, but I wouldn't mind picking up a cd sometime if I get the chance. After an extended set break, Liz came on stage. This time, she was wearing a red tank top with horizontal slits all down the front. Very Sexy! She totally had her high beams on during Flower and a couple other songs.
The set list went like this:
Flower (the new rocking mix)
Polyester Bride
Rock Me
Johnny Feelgood
Uncle Alvarez
My Bionic Eyes
Divorce Song
6’1”
Chopsticks (solo on piano)
Extraordinary
Love/Hate
Help Me Mary
Red Light Fever
Never Said
Favorite
Stratford-On-Guy (solo)
Why Can’t I?
Supernova
ENCORE
Mesmerizing
Fuck And Run
H.W.C.

It was another awesome show!!

I found a few pictures on the internet from the Philly show, and they can be viewed here. All pictures courtesy of Flyersdude. Thanks a bunch!

Dylan

The following night (April 3) we had tickets to see Bob Dylan at Bender Arena in Washington, DC. This show was considerably bigger than the Liz Phair shows, as we found out when we got there. We followed the line into a parking garage and up 5 LEVELS before finding the end!!! This was my fourth time seeing Dylan and I've enjoyed all the shows. I only wish that he had played some guitar during this one. He played the organ all night long. But he played most of his hits and it was a good crowd that generated a pleasant haze. He played All Along the Watch Tower, which was cool. Rainy Day Women was the encore, which I predicted accurately. They actually did two encores, but I can't recall what they played during the other one.

DC-9:30 Club

The final show of our, and Liz's for that matter, concert tour was at the 9:30 Club in Washington, DC. We got there just before the doors opened, and there was a line about 150 feet long or so. Once we got in, we went right to the stage and took up our positions for the evening. Center stage about five feet from the rail. There was this creepy old tall guy just in front and to the left of me. He was clutching a package throughout the whole show but never did anything with it. Beats me what he was up to. Anyway, for this show, we actually arrived in plenty of time to catch both opening acts. I'm glad we did because the first act was Rachael Yamagata. She was petrified that Liz was going to play some nasty trick on her because it was the last show of the tour adn kept mentioning it throughout the show. It was pretty funny. Most of her music seemed to be about ex-boyfriends and the women that they went back to after dating her for a couple weeks. Kind of sad, but the music was decent. Wheat came on after that and did their set. It was good, as usual, and since this was the third time seeing them, I could sing along a little bit to some of their songs, which I tend to like to do.

And now, time for Liz. This time, she was wearing a red V-neck, with the V reaching just about to her belly button and no bra (duh). Wow. She also had on jeans with some sort of lace wrap around them. She played a couple songs that she hadn't played at earlier shows. For instance, during the Philly show, she gave us the option of hearing her solo rendition of either Stratford-on-Guy or Hurricane Cindy. The most cheers were heard for SoG. In DC, she just played Hurricane Cindy. Fuck the popular vote. Here is an approximate set list that I found on the web:
Flower
Polyester Bride
Rock Me
Help Me Mary
6'1"
Never Said
Divorce Song
Chopsticks (solo on piano)
Supernova
Johhny Feelgood
Uncle Alvarez
Red Light Fever
Extraordinary
Favorite
Love Hate
Why Can't I
Hurricane Cindy (solo)
My Bionic Eyes
Fuck and Run
Mesmerizing
H.W.C.

It was one hell of a show. You should have seen her 'screwing' her guitar during Rock Me (That one picture from Philly was taken during Rock Me) or grooving to Favourite. At the end, everyone came out and Liz played a little improvised cover with Rachel and champagne was passed around. Liz even gave a sip to the girls right in front of me. UGH!!! Creepy guy tried to get a taste, but they gave it back to Liz too quick. I was gonna try to get my shirt autographed again this time, but by this time it was nearly 11:40 and the Metro stops running at midnight, so I was pretty much resigned to the fact that I wasn't going to get my autograph. But much to my surprise, Liz was doing something near the back of the stage and said something to the effect of "Let's embarrass everyone in the audience," and threw something into the crowd. As it turned out, that thing was a little red teddy bear with some modifications and I caught said teddy bear with a mighty leap. WOOHOO!!! It had been laying on a piece of equipment throughout the show, along with another white bear, but she didn't throw that one. If you know anything about this bear's history, please email me. Anyway, we rushed home and managed to catch several last trains along the way. The End.