Sorta Funnies
Zedd, 01/01/05
Salami Lady
OK. I came home for the holiday season. Not especially unusual in and of itself. I booked a ticket through Travelocity and flew on United Airlines from PDX to SFO, the caught an USAirways flight from SFO to PIT (notice my ‘clever’ usage of the cryptic airport codes….oooooooooo). Trying to get from the United section of SFO to the USAir section was an adventure of its own. I tried walking, but that didn’t work out very well. I had to catch a flight at gate 1. Unfortunately, this was way the hell on the other side of the airport and would have taken me through some sort of construction zone or something. That wasn’t really a problem, but I would have had to leave the secured area of the airport and go through security again when I got near the new gate. I had plenty of time, but decided to locate the mysterious secret bus that would whisk me to the other side of the terminal; without having to go through security again. On the way, I got to go through several doors that were clearly marked in red letters advertising that they were for
Authorized Personnel Only
No one hassled me, so I guess I must fit the aforementioned criterion. Eventually, the bus deposited me near the right gate. I still had a lot of time, so I wandered around this rather dull part of SFO and made some calls. After all that was done, I headed back to the correct gate, found an unoccupied seat, and recommenced my reading of Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates. (BTW—a fantastic book. very entertaining) After a few pages, some lady sat down right next to me, and I detected an odor rather unpleasantly like rancid salami. I figured maybe someone’s lunch was catching up to them and hoped it would go away soon. It didn’t. After a while, I was pretty sure that it was emanating directly from said lady. I comforted myself with the thought that I, surely, wouldn’t be sitting by her on the plane. When boarding time came, she scurried to the line when they called for preboarding. You know, when fierce invalids and first class get to board. I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking that I would never have to breathe that particular combination of pure nastiness again. At this point, I will just cut to the chase, since I’m sure you know what happened next. Sure enough, that bitch had no handicap, other than that foul odor, and was firmly planted in seat 7C by the time I found my seat, 7B. Motherfucker. Four more hours of spoiled lunchmeat. She needs to figure out that you’re supposed to process the animal fat before you use it as soap.
The Incredible Shrinking Cameraman
(aka blowup surfer babe)
Take a good look at this AP photo. The original can be found here if you think that I may have doctored it. None, some, and/or all of you may have heard about the white Christmas down in south Texas. It seems that somebody decided to catch a few drifts on her surfboard. Seems reasonable enough. She even brought her kid along. OK, now I want you to look closer at said ‘kid.’ There is obviously something wrong with this photograph. The ‘kid’ is not much more than two feet tall, if that, when compared to the woman. And, he appears to be wearing blue jeans and a leather jacket and may or may not be carrying a rather sophisticated looking camera. He is also in a very unchildlike pose, and if the picture were real, is staring directly at the woman’s ass. Whoever submitted this to the AP must be laughing his/her ass off. For a variety of reasons, especially if they know that it made it into Yahoo’s top ten most popular photos. I can think of a few more amusing things about this photo, but I’m sure you can, as well.
Tactical Parking Maneuver
A friend, henceforth referred to as Djim, observed this at approximately 8:00 PM on Tuesday, December 27, 2004 near the intersection of Philadelphia and 7th Streets. I was within sight of said maneuver, but failed to catch a glimpse, being preoccupied with parallel parking at the time. A vehicle was observed moving westbound on Philadelphia Street. Said vehicle suddenly revved its engine, and performed a precise 180 degree turn, replete with squealing tires, and resumed travel in an eastward direction. Not quite done for the evening, the car parallel parked so fast you would have missed it had you blinked. Needless to say, Djim was impressed.
PS—Happy New Year