The Complete Works of Shakespeare for Illiterates
Parsley, 09/08/03
We’ve all been there.
You’re minding your own business, enjoying an ice cold Bud at the local bar, when some pansy in khakis and a sweater saunters in and wows the chicks with some kind of thee and thou stuff like in the Bible. Ladies’ night is a bust once again, and all you and your buddies can do is go home to sit around drinking, shooting guns into the air and nervously telling jokes about “the homos.” What does that college boy have that you don’t?
The Dockers we can’t give you, but we can tell you that the reason Poindexter has so much luck on ladies’ night, despite drinking some damn girly drink and acting sort of fruity and probably not even watching the game last Sunday, is that he knows Shakespeare. He probably learned it at one of those East Coast ivory tower colleges where they teach about evil-ution and ebonics and all that. I know, I know, damned if you’re going to some pussy school!
Don’t worry! You don’t actually have to read and understand Shakespeare to impress anybody. Not anymore at least. Our crack team of researchers has distilled the complete works of the Bard (that means Shakespeare) into a simple, easy to digest form you’re probably already familiar with. In a matter of minutes you can catch up with those eggheads and show them who’s really boss. You.
And that’s something they can’t learn in no book.
Considerable Shakespearean expertise for this project was provided by Anna Baltimore.