My life as an issue of The Onion
Lobagirl, 08/28/03
Paper extension botched semester, summer
GRAD SCHOOL—Area graduate student Amy Nonymous bemoaned her ill-conceived ploy to gain time in writing a paper due at the end of spring term. Professor Jonathan Fitzroy offered an indefinite extention to any student in his nineteenth century literature course who felt such time would “benefit his or her research.” Nonymous took the extension for her paper, originally about “something related” to Gustave Flaubert’s novel Madame Bovary. “I thought having a couple more weeks would solidify my ideas and help me actually get the paper done,” she reported to fellow student Sean Frampton yesterday over coffee. “Instead, here I am at the start of fall semester with no paper after three months of changing my mind and stressing about it. This sucks.” She went on to swear for the fifteenth time in two weeks that she’d “never accept a paper extension again.”
Trip to Europe, affair with European “entirely coincidental”
GOSSIP—Days before transporting new Italian love interest Maurizio DelPietro to the Newark International Airport, student Amy Nonymous, 23, began dropping hints about “possibly going to Europe pretty soon, maybe over winter break.” DelPietro returned to Italy indefinitely after four weeks of steady dates with Nonymous. While Nonymous’ acquaintances report that the pair hit it off exceptionally well, she insists her plans are “completely independent” of the fate of any continued romantic relations with DelPietro, and any voyage to Europe, particularly the Mediterranean region, would be “entirely coincidental.” “I got this e-mail from my [host] family in France, and that’s when I realized that it’s time to go back [to Europe]. Plus it would be nice to see Maury…if he’s around,” she explained to her family on a weekend trip home. Former roommates Alison Lopez and Paula Matola met over brunch and discussed Nonymous’ upcoming trip. Lopez remarked, “Winter break? I’m surprised Amy didn’t snag the next flight to Rome.” Matola added, “Me, too. Geez, one month and she thinks it’s some kind of engagement already.”
Area Mother Guilted into Purchase
FAMILY—An August 27 shopping trip resulted in the purchase of one brand new full size sheet set for grad student Amy Nonymous by her mother, Cynthia Nonymous. Cynthia had promised to pass old sheets along to her daughter in July, but they had already been given away by the time Amy returned home to collect them. “I asked Mom [Cynthia] where she kept that old set of full sheets,” Amy said. “I wanted them for my new futon mattress, but when I asked her about them she said she already gave them to [younger brother] Anthony.” Cynthia claims she thought her daughter’s futon needed “special sheets” and it “slipped [her] mind” that she had promised the old set to Amy when she took the sheets to Anthony’s apartment. “I felt bad about forgetting my promise to Amy,” Cynthia said. “Luckily,” she added, “she was free to go to the mall with me that morning to buy replacements.” Later that day, Amy thanked Anthony for taking the old sheets. “That was the easiest guilt purchase ever,” she added.
Note: Names have been changed to protect the guilty—namely, me. Plus I made some people up. But yes, these are real-life events, parodied for your enjoyment.