WRLF holds press conference
Parsley, 11/10/02
“Free Winona!” say college radio standbys.
CNF Newswire - A broad coalition of slightly famous rock and roll musicians announced today the formation of the Winona Ryder Liberation Front, a nonprofit, grassroots group dedicated to freeing Ryder after the actress and music lover was found guilty of felony grand theft and vandalism Wednesday. “Why should Winona suffer while thousands of other serious crimes go unpunished across the nation?” asked Jack White, guitarist and lead singer for The White Stripes. “Most shoplifting incidents are resolved with a simple trip to the back room and some vague threats. I can’t help but think the courts are making an example out of Winona because of her celebrity status.”
“Also,” explained White, “my band has been the ‘next big thing’ for like a year now and she still hasn’t slept with me.”
The Strokes’ Julian Casablancas concurred. “Ever since 9/11 the government has been taking every excuse it can to crack down on individual rights. First racial profiling and unlawful detention of al-Qaida suspects, and now this. Only a truly wicked and cynical government totally in the pocket of big oil would deny a pretty-boy rock singer his inalienable right to be romantically linked to Winona Ryder.”
While most legal scholars do not believe Ryder will face any jail time, the WRLF’s sincerity and passion have attracted a great deal of attention in music industry circles. Yesterday’s New York Times contained a full page ad signed by past Ryder flames including Dave Grohl, Adam Duritz, Beck, Ryan Adams, and Soul Asylum’s Dave Pirner. The message read in part: “We support the efforts of the Winona Ryder Liberation Front and wish them luck in their struggle. And Winona, if you ever want to, you know, just talk or something, about anything, you have my number. Bye. See you. Talk to you later. Bye.”
Shortly after the WRLF’s initial press conference, an all-star lineup of emo bands announced plans for a benefit single. The group, tentatively named “Waterpaint Rocketshipping,” has not yet set a release date.
It is likely that the appeal process will keep Ryder in court for some time, but the members of the Winona Ryder Liberation Front remain stalwart. “We are all extremely serious about freeing Winona,” WRLF supporter Andrew W.K. said in a phone interview. “This won’t be one of those things where everybody makes a big deal when it comes out and then you don’t really hear as much about it even though it’s still there. Like remember when everybody was talking about my album? I never got to date Ms. Ryder then, and now I think the hype has moved on. That won’t happen to this organization.”
Added W.K., “Party.”
(The sad thing is, all of these bands were “the next big thing” and potential Winona boyfriends like a year ago. I just haven’t read any music magazines in that long so I don’t know what critics are making asses of themselves over now. Probably for the best. -ed.)