SLHS +5¾
Parsley, 11/05/02
A few weeks ago I saw a TV commercial where noted author Kurt Vonnegut made a pitch for mutual funds and financial services from TIAA-CREF. I didn’t know whether to cry or puke. I don’t even like Vonnegut that much, certainly not like some people do, but it was clear to me that this advertisement was unbelievably fucking depressing.
Later I learned that TIAA-CREF is a company that specializes in helping teachers. I guess that makes it a little better. But anyway, Camp No Friends presents the following previously-unpublished Vonnegut essay on the wisdom of TIAA-CREF’s financial services.
Listen.
Your wealth has become unstuck in the world of high finance, free to realize earnings beyond your wildest dreams.
Mutual funds and financial services from TIAA-CREF can help you prepare for the future, whether your plans include retirement, college savings, or anything else you can dream.
Here is a drawing of the wealth that can be yours with TIAA-CREF’s help:
I have dealt with other financial services companies before, and I have always suffered for it. Sometimes late at night when I have been drinking and smoking Pall Malls, and I have heard a disturbing report on MSNBC, I will try and get in touch with my broker. This has happened many times. I would call the brokerage, my breath smelling like mustard gas and roses, and ask to speak with Mr. So-and-so who handles my account.
“I’m sorry,” the recording would say, “but all our operators are assisting other callers at this time. Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us.”
And I would never talk to my broker. So it goes.
Here is a drawing of some asshole broker:
And here is a drawing of a broker from TIAA-CREF:
The people at TIAA-CREF are marvelous. They will help you achieve your financial goals and make plans for the future at any hour of the night, and they do not seem to mind the smell of mustard gas and roses.
Once at a party I told someone about the bad experiences I had with various brokerages, and how much happier I was with TIAA-CREF. He told me that he had put money in a Savings and Loan in the 80’s, and explained how the bank had collapsed, and the owner ran off, and how he had been financially ruined and so on.
All I could say was “I know. I know. I know.”
I have told my sons that they are not under any circumstances to take advantage of the clients who have entrusted them with their dreams of a better future, and that news of enemies’ impoverishment is not to fill them with satisfaction or glee.
Now I am just an old fool with his Pall Malls. But if the advice of an old fool means anything to you, I hope you will consider working with the good folks at TIAA-CREF. They will treat your aspirations with the dignity you deserve, and they will be happy to talk to you any time, day or night. TIAA-CREF is the clear choice for financial services. Just ask me, best selling author Kurt Vonnegut.
Next week: J.D. Salinger switches to Macintosh.